When I started this blog about a year and a half ago, I was burnt out from my job and looking for an outlet so that I could feel like my life wasn't just work and school all the time. At the time, my intention was to defer starting my CPA until fall 2020 so that I could try and refocus my energy on myself and my identity beyond my work. It feels like a slippery slope to me that you see some people fall down - they put all of their worth and value into their "career" and it consumes their life...these are the same people that come into the office long after retirement because they don't know how not to be at their job. I really didn't want that for myself.
Like many things in life, things with my CPA didn't unfold as planned. I ended up deciding I was ready to start in May 2020, and I am now grateful I did. Because as it turns out, I have spent almost all of the last 10 months in my home - isolating as best I can from people while the world is consumed with a global pandemic. If not for the distraction of school - which I am currently half way finished - I don't know that I would be as mentally okay as I am most days.
Truth be told, I have noticed that this pandemic has impacted people in my life that don't normally struggle with mental health - people are experiencing anxiety for the first time in some cases. Or for people that deal with mild lows or bouts of anxiousness, it is more pronounced or more frequent. That breaks my heart. This year has been so difficult for so many.
I can go pretty dark pretty quick myself. If I think too hard about the economics, the different strains, the vaccination roll out, the long haul symptoms...it all feels so random and so big - but most days I can successfully keep perspective and focus on the day ahead of me...
Not yesterday. I just felt lonely. I felt the isolation. I felt the weight of the -40 weather in our area and the pandemic keeping me inside and alone. I got needy with my husband, whiney even. And I felt down. And I am writing this to say that all those feelings are valid. Anyway we are feeling through this once in a century (hopefully) circumstance is valid. I can both acknowledge my privilege and good fortune, and also feel miserable and want a normal life back. Those feelings can co-exist.
Today is a better day:)
Hope wherever you are reading this that you are warm and allowing yourself your feelings.
-Amanda.
