I wrote this poem on November 10, 2021:

White knit touque gathering snowflakes in the early morning air.

The only company on the quiet main street is my vapour breath.

Each part of the process felt like a gift...

I wrote this poem on November 4, 2021:

Warm water, shallow pools.

Even twenty years later my mind can place me there.

Not without a care.

Heavy heart and mind.

Impossible to unwind.

The ocean tries its best.

Sunny day and the lull of waves.

Waves don't crash into the sand. They disappear gently into a foam that rinses your feet...

I wrote this poem on October 22, 2021:

I know your number by heart

And I call you collect

Wrecked

And hiding it.

We are her collateral damage.

Fragments of toxic events richochet...

I wrote this poem on October 21, 2021:

Flower crowns woven together from the fragrant buds growing amongst the clover.

Talking for hours in the open space as we pluck pieces of grass and hold stray pinecones tenderly in our hands...

I wrote this poem on October 12, 2021:

Sand from summer beach days makes me smile when I open my car door.

There is beauty in the mess when you know the backstory.

There is beauty in the sadness when you make it to the other side...

I wrote this poem on September 29, 2021:

In my memory lives a summer where we waded from a rocky shore to the boat wreck.

Tackle box with glittery bait like a chest of booty. Climbing up the cliffside by my finger tips as they grey smooth rocks jutted out and lead me to a moss topped sanctuary...

I wrote this poem on September 25, 2021:

I sat with a grin like I never saw before,

On a bridge, in the snow, it was winter.

The quick descent of the sun lit the sky with yellows and orange hues.

And my talentless eye for photos snapped deer and trees and signage with zero precision...

I wrote this poem on September 25, 2021:

I took a cab home.

Couldn't tell you the time.

But I could feel that the world was awake. People getting on with their day.

Working.

I worked at night but maybe this was a couple days off.

Didn't even like the people I was with.

But that doesn't matter...

I wrote this poem on September 24, 2021:

It's cold when I fall asleep curled up on the couch at your friend's house.

And I never know who all the people are in the kitchen, on the back step.

Drinking.

Smoking, letting in the draft from the screen door. There are no throw blankets here...

I wrote this poem for my daughters on September 8, 2021:

My love for you is obvious.

Full, unconditional.

Without question.

Like a deep breath in the winter air...

I wrote this poem on September 5, 2021:

Walking alone because the anticipation could have drowned me.

Sand so soft between my flip flops and my feet. And the wind could cut you but you would never be injured. You're far too safe.

Could be a tropical sea...

I wrote this poem on August 22, 2021:

The phone at the end of the hall.

Long walk to the cubicle that let the outside world in.

But not fully in.

Because we were sheltered.

From wrenches thrown at cars.

From chaos.

From those moments when nice people seem scary...

My friend said that she won't read my poetry until I post it on my blog. Looking back on this year I have not posted much, but I have been writing constantly. Since I last posted early August I have completed my CPA (results pending) and I have been busy at work, busy getting used to a new routine. But my notes app on my phone is...

This is my face. Or half of it at least. I like this picture. I took it! In a car, on the highway with the window down because our a/c was broken:) My husband was driving and I was trying to do my best "supermodel wind machine" for him to crack him up. I weighed 315 pounds in this picture. And I felt pretty. I have lost 32 pounds in the past 14 months, and I am trying love myself at every stage. Love me. Not what I look like, what I weigh...

Moments of joy if you squint for them.

Like that parking lot carnival.

And the pancakes in the shape of my initial.

Not trivial.

Just rare.

But they were there.

Fleeting though they may have been.

When I can be more gentle with your memory.

I'll think of these...

A couple weeks before Christmas my younger daughter and I drove my older girl to a theatre class. When we pulled up we saw a wheelchair over by the dumpster and someone lying beside it, huddled between cardboard and a blanket on the frigid downtown sidewalk. We were all concerned about the person, but I wasn't sure what to do. I called the theatre and asked if they knew the person was outside and okay. They said they did, that they were using the theatre's electricity and they...

I am not one for public speaking. I wrote on here awhile back that one of the partners at my old firm asked me to speak to college students about working at the firm. I was honored to be selected because I believed in the people at the firm and also that it was a great place for these students to learn the real world application of accounting....but on the days of - I was a sweating, stammering mess. All nerves. Overheating...

When I started this blog about a year and a half ago, I was burnt out from my job and looking for an outlet so that I could feel like my life wasn't just work and school all the time. At the time, my intention was to defer starting my CPA until fall 2020 so that I could try and refocus my energy on myself and my identity beyond my work. It feels like a slippery slope to me that you see some people fall down - they put all of their worth and value into their "career" and it consumes their life...

Hear your rallying cry from across the globe, Watching in anguish as your bravery unfolds Thinking of her, decades ago,

Not much has changed, as you must know.

Take to the streets, risking years off your life. Screaming and fighting for those without rights, Bitter cold, rubber bullets, nothing will deter,

Your fervent need for your voice to be heard...

I wrote this blog on January 10th, just behind on posting. Into the new year, into a blatant display of the disparities between how white people and Black people are treated in our society. I am Canadian, and as I have discussed in other blog posts, our societies are so closely woven together due to our geographical and historical proximity to America that oftentimes events down south serve to hold a mirror to our faces. Only not everyone is willing to contemplate this reflection. I invite anyone reading to push past their own discomfort and truly ask yourselves...

There doesn't appear to be anybody who went through 2020 unscathed. Some lost jobs, time with loved ones, some lost much more. This post is not about that but it is impossible to write a post reflecting on this year without acknowledging that I am able to have my perspective because I have lost little compared to others. I want to start this by saying that I realize that, and if anyone reading this is not up for a reflection post on what I gained this year, I get that and maybe don't read this post, or read it knowing ahead of time...

I wrote this poem on November 29, 2020. I hope you enjoy:)

The audacity to believe in yourself.

To let go of your inhibitions,

Your self imposed limitations

To stand in front of the mirror and accept.

Accept fully.

Your individualities,

Your commonalities.

The complicated facets of you...

The more I learn who I am and why the more I realize so much of it comes down to small moments that didn't seem so profound in the moment. Maybe even moments that wouldn't have been all that profound to someone else or at some other time in my life/under other circumstances. Our perception influences every interaction we experience. My perspective has been shaped by small impactful moments...

I wrote this poem on November 12, 2020. I can't believe I haven't been on here for over two months, I miss it! Blogging these last 16 months has reminded me just how much I love writing poems and essays. This blog makes me feel connected to myself in a way I haven't since childhood. This poem is about the peaceful memories in an otherwise very rocky upbringing.

Moss-layered, rain-soaked concrete

Run your hands along,

Breathe deep, sea and cedar trees,

Where you always belonged...

The world lately has felt at times like it is spinning off its axis and freefalling through space. Dramatic? It feels that way! Between the looming election in the US, the coronavirus, and all the speculation spawned from this extended period of uncertainty...the ground feels at times like it is falling away. I was talking to my sister in-law the other day about how this moment and the ubiquity of social media as a source of news in people's lives is creating a culture where critical thinking is vanishing...

The world lately has felt at times like it is spinning off its axis and freefalling through space. Dramatic? It feels that way! Between the looming election in the US, the coronavirus, and all the speculation spawned from this extended period of uncertainty...the ground feels at times like it is falling away. I was talking to my sister in-law the other day about how this moment and the ubiquity of social media as a source of news...

This post is going to be about reproductive health and menstruation. I have noticed that the conversation around this topic has been opening up over the last decade or so and I love that. We don't need to carry shame for menstruating. It is a natural process that happens to a significant percentage of the population. And sometimes we have issues around this topic that can feel isolating if we keep it to ourselves...

It is a privilege to be able to travel and so it is a privilege to be able to miss travelling....and I do miss it so much. I don't get away as often as I would like but I do make an effort to get away as much as is reasonable for our budget and life. Last year besides the odd day trip a little outside town I got away twice. Once for almost 2 weeks to Vancouver Island and once to Slave Lake, Alberta - both times with my daughters. Both trips were beautiful...

Last summer I had the most beautiful day. I took my girls to meet someone very dear to me in her little oasis on Salt Spring Island. It was the first time I had ever been and it was very important to me because she is someone I love very much and I was so happy to see her with my girls. It was the perfect day. Lunch on the marina, a stroll through the farmer's market. Time at the park, time at the water. Most of all time with beautiful people...

Romanticize this hour of night.

Whisper clouds,

Glow of moonlight.

Moonscape

Pulls me like the tide.

Through picture windows,

Stare outside.

Hypnotic in the sky...

One year! One year of putting myself out there and being vulnerable. This idea started with a friend saying I should blog, something I had secretly wanted for a long time but it felt too self-important. So I needed permission....needed someone to say it was a good idea. And I have enjoyed it so much. I have reconnected with my creative side! Remembered how much I love writing poetry. How much I love to write about life. It has been like therapy for me. I've learned things about myself and I have been reintroduced to pieces I thought had fallen away for good...

If you could see it.

The way people see you,

Your light fills the room,

How your smile disarms hardened souls,

People shaped, sharing space with you,

If you could feel it. Hearts changing,

The vibrancy of your step as you walk through life,

If only you could hear.

The words they say,

The same as to you, yet you don’t let it in,

The beauty with which you’re described...

Sometimes I wonder about the way we have chosen to view education vs. experience in our society. Why is it so important 30 years later that we successfully completed the assigned credits to earn a high school diploma? Why does a degree matter to a potential employer when that degree represents everything from a "D's get degrees" mentality all the way to the Dean's list? I think the emphasis on the importance of an education contributes to imposter syndrome; I've known many experienced people who feel inferior to their more educated colleagues, regardless of capability...

It was only a few years ago that I learned the term intersectional feminism, I want to give credit where credit is due and I believe I came across the term via interviews with Laverne Cox and Janet Mock, two exceptional Black, trans women. I had no idea what it meant at the time or how large the gaps were in my own feminism....how much education and work I had ahead of me. Education and work that I know is a life-long commitment and essential to growth and understanding...

Been debating whether or not to write this one. Ultimately, I think that I have to because the point is to be vulnerable and hope to reach somebody and help them feel less alone. So far I haven't shared my blog with many, but I know one day I will and my goal is that someone will feel heard and seen. I know my stories are not unique...people have experienced all I have experienced in one way or another. This post is about emotional abuse. Please know that now, because I don't want it to trigger anyone...

I was talking to someone close to me today about dating. I'm in my mid-30's and have been married 12 years so dating is not something I think about often. In fact, it is far enough in my rear view mirror that I can romanticize much of my experience. My advice to her was to view it as an exercise in learning about yourself, which I truly believe. We learn so much about ourselves from the people around us, sometimes we learn the most from the people who are in our lives only fleetingly...

Our bodies are the vehicle we inhabit for our entire lives. They get us to and from every place we wish to go and they allow us to laugh and express ourselves. They tell us when we need a break, they allow us to push ourselves too hard, they are vital to our lives and our way of life....and yet. So much of my time (and I know this is not unique to me) on this planet has been spent wishing my body was different...

25 years ago but I can still feel the sunlight pouring in from the hospital windows. I can still remember the MacIntosh toffee treat I selected from the vending machine when my grandmother offered us each something. Me and my brothers waiting around to meet her. My first sister, Tori ended up being my first child in so many ways. I had three brothers and I had begged....threatened to chop my long blonde curls off....for a girl this time. Don't get me wrong, I love my brothers very much, but at 9 years old, I craved a sister. And a sister I got...

June is Pride month for LGBTQ+ identifying people. I am proud to say that in our house we are allies and we are raising our children with that perspective. From day one, we have made it an important part of the household conversation. Because our daughters may not be straight. One or both of them. Or their friends, people in their classes. And I have always felt that if they know in their hearts without a doubt that they are accepted for exactly who they are, then I have done my job as a mom. I shouldn't say accepted. Supported, celebrated, loved unconditionally are better verbs. Because gay, straight, bi, trans, our kids are perfect exactly as they are, and it is important that they know that. Every child should know that. Every human should know that...

Yesterday I lost my job. The way we say that. Lost my job. Can't find it. Lost it. I don't know where it went because there wasn't much conversation. I have never lost a job before. I have left jobs. I have left jobs because of mergers, or not having access to the opportunities I felt I needed. I have regretted leaving jobs. I have missed my work families. I have felt solid in some decisions and uneasy in others. All part of life I know, but some of those changes have been hard life lessons. I was lured away from a great job to come to this place, perhaps that has been the toughest career lesson for me...

This is a post I have wanted to write for a long time. Since the start of this blog, probably before. Because I have long been aware of the intersections of my privilege. I am white, I am cis, I am Canadian, I am able bodied, there are many many ways in which I move through the world in complete ignorance of how these identities work to my benefit. It is deeply unfair, and I wish that it was not this way. I wish the world was a true meritocracy. I wish that racism and sexism and homophobia and transphobia didn't exist. I wish that we lived in a world where people did more than tolerate these differences - I wish we lived in a world where people saw the deeply beautiful power in this diversity...

The Core 1 module of the CPA is 8 weeks so I am almost halfway through the beginning of the program. It would feel amazing to be able to report that I have breezed through this with no self doubt but that of course isn't the case. The first week I thought "what have I gotten myself into?!" Here I am, working from home with my kids on my own and now adding a demanding graduate level program into the mix? It scared me. Because the stakes feel high. After all these years of working towards...

The world was still.

Yet we found time to laugh

Connect to those we hadn't

And teach our children math

The world was still.

Yet we cooked ourselves meals

Used less, wasted less

Allowed the Earth to heal

The world was still...

My maternal grandfather died yesterday; we weren't close. In fact, the last time we spoke I left the call emotionally drained and asking myself why I had reached out. I think there is a conversation to be had about what it is like going through the loss of a family member whose memory you don't cherish. And whose death brings up a lot of painful emotions from your upbringing...

This week I have been working from home with my kids. The three weeks prior I was working more hours (trying to meet the increased hours expectation that come with tax season) my kids were staying at my in-laws through the week, home on weekends. That was hard. I missed them and felt really lonely and the reality of this new normal was hitting me harder being separated from my favorite little humans. Having them home feels so much better, their laughter and even their bickering gives the house welcome noise and dimension. But I would be kidding myself to say it is just as easy to work with them here...

The irony is not lost on me that the last post I published was all about gratitude for the people in my life. What a ride we are collectively on right now. It has been almost a month since I wrote something for this blog and not for lack of things to say or feelings to express. This new reality is hitting me in waves, vacillating between gratitude and guilt for my privilege. Constant appreciation for my support system, mixed with a deep unsettling for the uncertainty of what's to come. But if anything, this global shift is accentuating the necessity of our relationships...

This is a poem I wrote for someone who means more to me than they know. Someone I think about often, cry about sometimes, and love very deeply.

There when I needed you,

With all the wrong words,

Learned early on,

You'd always come first.

When she was small

Was it a blur?

I've always hoped

You were better for her...

Asking for help is not a weakness. Being vulnerable is not a weakness. Emotions, sensitivities, awareness of yourself and your being....these are all positive things not to be discounted and tossed aside. In fact, the older I get the more I realize I was sold a fallacy from a young age and even bought into it for sometime. The truth is these are strengths. Depending on someone doesn't have to mean you relinquish your independence. Wearing your heart on your sleeve doesn't mean that...

As evidenced by my lack of blogging, February was a challenging month for me. Mentally. I felt reasonably productive at work, I have been/was/am happy at home, and I saw lots of friends, even getting away on a weekend girls' trip for a friend's CPA grad (highlight for sure). And yet, this was one of the most difficult months I have had in a long time. Anxiety attacks were looming around every corner, hitting me at the most content of times - lunch and movie dates with close friends, safe and cozy at home with my family...

In my experience going through trauma can knock you into this place where you are constantly preparing for the worst, and at the same time just going through the motions to get through your day. I experienced situations early in my life that created a thick outer layer of cautiousness and trepidation. And I still carry this, as I think a lot of us do. For many years it manifested as eagerness to please, keep things calm, make myself uncomfortable, freeze myself so the water stayed still...

I tried to draw a picture,

Of a place I’ve never seen.

A place I never want to go,

A place I’ve never been.

Sunlight in the morning,

Dancing with the dust.

Floating all alone,

Someplace that I don’t trust....

My husband and I are planning to take our older daughter to Vancouver later this year. This city is special to me. I got to live there for a summer and a semester of high school when I was 14/15. My mother had met a man and we were going to move there to be with him and figure out a place to live later. Where we moved (at this point, five of us) to start with was the boyfriend's one-bedroom apartment off Commercial Drive near the Broadway skytrain station. For those unfamiliar with Vancouver's downtown, I will just say this is not (or at least at that time was not) the most idyllic area. And besides, his apartment was never going to fit all of us kids. My brothers stayed at my dad's on Vancouver Island, and my sister and I stayed in Vancouver...

Being a mother has profoundly changed my life, and it has never been lost on me how lucky I was and am that I could get pregnant easily, I had uncomplicated pregnancies and labors, and was blessed with healthy, beautiful babies. These realities I know, are not something that everyone is lucky enough to have. It is something I will never take for granted. And I love being a mom. I wouldn't define myself as a natural "kid person" or even someone with an impressive maternal instinct. Having children wasn't something I thought about at all growing up...I wanted the power suit and the corner office and a husband or family simply didn't show up in those story lines. And yet...

It is taking all the restraint I have not to pare down my last blog post...it feels meandering and way too long. But I told myself that once I press publish it stays. So there it remains...but that instinct ties into this post too. The instinct I have, that I know I share with many people...to criticize myself. The inner voice that wants to remind us we aren't enough and maybe never will be. It is there, never louder than when I am floundering...never quite so quiet as to be silenced. So how do we change this? This is where I want to focus this year. Sure, I have other resolutions, goals, intentions...but my relationship with myself will only bolster or hinder their success, so why not start there...

Tonight is the last night of this month, this year, this decade. I always feel like the start of the school year and heading into fall is a bigger transition and fresh page but I do tend to reflect with the end of the year as well. 2020! This seems so crazy to me. Aren't we all supposed to be driving (piloting?) flying cars by now? At any rate, I thought I could get a little nostalgic and spend this blog looking back on the last ten years' worth of big moments...

I drive a 2013 Buick Enclave. This is an incredibly fancy and reliable vehicle in my opinion. It has heated seats, it has a backup camera. It is getting older and it is being paid off at a higher interest rate and over a longer term than I would like, but it is a luxury and one I never take for granted. Would I have been happier with a less fancy but equally reliable vehicle? Yes, I most definitely would have been. But my husband surprised me with a trade in 6 years ago and I have been gratefully driving it ever since...

Life as a modern mom feels like walking a tightrope sometimes. Seems to me that whether we work or stay home (which in my mind is harder work a lot of the time), women often feel like we are falling short. On any given day I feel I am not doing enough with my girls. Letting them sit in front of screens too much, not spending enough time reading with them, or letting them spend the night with their grandparents too often. I have a long way to go in terms of getting them fed consistent, balanced meals. I don't remind them to do their school reading or practice violin near as often as I should. There is a park a couple blocks...

Today is the anniversary of the day I moved out....December 3, 2002. I had turned 17 about a week beforehand, and our family had just moved to what I will describe as a ramshackle old house in the country (said house would end up burning to the ground only a couple years later, thankfully no one, including the animals, were in it). I wasn't thrilled about the move. I didn't drive, and my mother used giving me a ride as a power play....being out of town would only make things more stressful for me in terms of getting to work, seeing friends. Beyond that, we had one bathroom to share between 6 people, one of them being her boyfriend...

When I pulled out my laptop to blog tonight my daughter said "you should blog about ice cream." That wasn't necessarily what was on my mind tonight, and to be fair my daughter has never read this blog, but I was intrigued none the less. And so here I am, writing a blog about ice cream. I don't care for ice cream. Actually, in general I am not a fan of dairy...I have a hard time disassociating the milk in my glass from the milk in a cow...that's just me....it is a weird quirk that I wish I didn't have...and it is admittedly selective. I can eat a box of milk chocolate no problem....analyze away haha. That being said, I have some fond memories of ice cream...

It's my birthday today...34 years old. Wow. Closer to 40 than I feel at heart, yet my body moves like a cautious octogenarian. So much to be grateful for. Still so much to continue to work towards. I feel like I am closer to feeling like an adult, though sometimes I still feel like I am playing house. My birthday always feels like a good time to reflect on how I spent the year and what I want to look forward to on my next journey around the sun...

The appointment with the psychologist went well. I feel like we have a plan to deal with my traumas.... but it isn't going to be painless. I see her again in one month's time. And I have homework. I am to find a beautiful book to write about my life from birth forward. What I needed, what I deserved, who was there for me along the way, showing me I had worth. She said it so beautifully..."you may not have a concrete foundation to build yourself, but you can put together a mosaic of moments that add up to something solid." That felt really poetic to me...

Monday I have an appointment booked with a psychologist who deals with childhood trauma and eating disorders. I am sort of nervous, because I don't know what to expect for the session. The first one was sort of a "tell me your story" scenario. Counselling/therapy isn't new to me. I have gone (sometimes every week, sometimes once a year) since I was 24. And it feels good, it is like going to the gym for my mind. I feel lighter when I leave. It feels healthy. I have done a lot of work on the issues spawning from my mother and upbringing, the issues I have had over the course of my (at this point 13 years) relationship with my husband (including in-law relationships, financial issues, etc.) and I have worked on situational things...

When I was younger I just got things done. From the time I was 15 I always had a part time job and my high school course load. I moved out about a week after I turned 17 and I supported myself through graduation, paying my half the rent and utilities, figuring out my way to work and school and home. Work ethic has never been a problem of mine. I have always prided myself on being good at what I do, and worked hard to be efficient. That skill set came in handy in the service industry, and has come in handy now that my time is billed to the 6 minute increment. The work ethic side of me has never changed. What has changed...

Most of my life I have lived in a part of Canada that sees a lot of snow. Sometimes we experience temperatures (with wind chill) into the -50's. Often we have so much snow in our yards that the landscaping beneath remains a complete mystery to out of town visitors, something to look forward to in the spring. Admittedly I am not a person who looks forward to winter. I don't ski or snowboard, I don't enjoy the extreme cold or the dry skin the season inevitably brings. But I am determined to change that. My doctor prescribed me snowshoeing this winter...

My heart is at the ocean, I can hear it anytime...I close my eyes and think of the smell of cedar trees and salty sea air. I can feel myself sitting on bleached driftwood, moving my bare feet in the dry, warm sand. I will take the beach, rain or shine. In the rain, mostly, you have the beach to yourself, with the sound of the waves crashing into shore... the only real company you need...

If I was to describe my October based on number of blog posts I would call it very unproductive. Only three posts in the whole month, and not for a lack of things to say. This October was crazy. Our family has been settling into our new home, I quit my job (which felt more like a breakup), started a new job (which has felt a little bit like coming home), took a really hard fall in my garage tripping down two stairs, and was diagnosed with diabetes. Suffice to say, there have been extreme highs and tough lows and I am excited to turn the page and start...

Yesterday was the federal election here in Canada and the way I spent my day had me feeling very lucky to be Canadian. It made me feel lucky I live here, lucky to have been born here, lucky to have my voice count at the polls here. And I know that being Canadian can be complicated....we don't do near as well as we like to think in terms of race, particularly when it comes to First Nations people. There are dozens of communities without safe drinking water, even in 2019. We have a lot of blind spots...

What if you could talk to yourself as a child? No way would I talk to that little girl the way I talk to myself. She needed someone who looked at her the way I look at my girls, and that wasn't always possible for her. Thankfully there were amazing siblings around her. And many people that may have played smaller, supporting roles in the story of her life, but nevertheless made an incredible impact. Thinking about my inner self talk today as I wrote this poem. It is about the tug of war I sometimes have with myself through my self doubt and in dealing with my depression...

It has been about 3 weeks since my last blog post...the longest in between posts since I started blogging. It has been a few weeks of big shifts and big emotions for me. I left my job, started a new one, and spent Thanksgiving with my side of the family for the first time since I was a kid. I am still processing the emotions around quitting my job so I will save that for another time with more perspective. But in the meantime, I am so very grateful for so much and would like to share those thoughts in this space:) In no particular order...

Congratulations on making this decision together, and thank you for including my and my sweet Hannah in the ceremony. I am young in my marriage - it will be seven years this fall, but I will say that we have had a real marriage. Highs, lows, and everything in between. If I can offer you any advice it would be the old adage "communication is key" but with one caveat...be you, be individual, work on yourselves always. The more you know who you are, the more easily the other stuff comes together. I wish you...

My body is tired. The past few years I have been dealing with a myriad of health problems, chief among them, low iron levels. In my body this feels like extreme lethargy, anxiousness, aches and pains. It is a weird place to be because I know that if I eat better and move my body the majority of my health problems will resolve (I am lucky enough to still be in a place where I have control to fix these issues through diet and exercise) but I am so deeply drained that it isn't as simple as just going for a walk...

What does it mean to believe in yourself? What does self confidence look like? How do we doubt ourselves less? I wish I had an answer to these questions. Younger versions of myself definitely thought that I would have this all figured out by now. But I don't. Self doubt is a pervasive theme in my life and is something I know I need to work on. It isn't as simple as "faking it to make it," at least, it isn't for me. A few years ago one of my favorite people called me and asked me to join her in Ireland for a two week holiday. She had never been, I had never been, we could go together. And we did it! We rented a car and we drove the entire country...

I grew up in the 90’s. Born in November, 1985, I was 4-15 in the 90’s. What a decade! We were blessed with an incredible back drop of music that permeated every experience good and bad. One of the biggest advantages of growing up in that decade though, was the payphones. A full decade before the inevitable ubiquity of cell phones, payphones were everywhere! On the corner of most gas station and grocery store parking lots, in clusters in malls, on main streets. Why was I so conscious of these phones? Because they were a way – often times the only way – for me to speak to my dad....

I used to be the known by my younger brothers as the "grammar police." Language, I believe is powerful. It is the expression of our thoughts, the articulation of our ideas, and it can hurt or heal depending on how it is used. Choosing our words carefully matters...using language is an action. But I have made a conscious effort on this blog...

Tomorrow we get the keys to our new home. It is a beautiful home and I am grateful to have the ability to buy a home like this. It marks a bit of a change in our family's life as well. Something I will get into in greater detail in another blog post, but a few years ago my husband and I went through a really challenging time in our marriage. A part of that rough time meant that we had to sell our home and start over financially. This wasn't an easy choice and it saw us move to a temporary rental and then...

Today at work one of the partners asked me to be part of a small team from the firm that will talk to college students about what it is like to work in public practice accounting. I felt so flattered that my input was worth something. Means something to me because my perspective on accounting has been informed by my life experience. This career and educational path has been long term for me and sometimes I have questioned it. Growing up as I did, I have often wondered if I could be of more service if I were...

This time last year I was in orientation at my new job, the first large (35-40 people) firm that I had ever worked at. It was a mix of emotions. Part of me was so excited to work on the larger engagements I had left my previous job to do. Part of me was nervous for the challenge. A large part of me was also sad to be leaving my old firm behind. It was a place where I worked with and for some really fantastic people...

Growing up, I lived in a home with an emotionally abuse mother. It has taken me years to be able to put that in words, opting in the past for descriptions like "in an unstable home" or "where I witnessed domestic violence". but I believe there is a value in articulating that for what it was. Growing up this way caused a tremendous amount of pain that I am still unpacking to this day. I will be forever grateful for the support...

Before starting this blog I had thought about venturing into something like this for a long time…but I couldn’t seem to give myself permission. A few years ago I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and knowing how much it helped me to hear other people’s stories, I started sharing more and more vulnerable posts on my social media accounts. Not very often, but when I did...

For the last 11 years I have been working full time (less one year of mat leave – could not be more grateful to live in Canada), while balancing motherhood and my part time course load. For 7 of those years I have also been bookkeeping for family. My place on my own list of priorities is dead last, if it even registers. I am often eating convenience food or take out (waste of money which brings on guilt, not very nutritious which depletes my health), and I feel like I always have something weighing on me that I “should” be doing...

Beautiful. What a loaded word for me. Maybe also a loaded word for you? I hope not, but all too often it is. My relationship with my body has always been complicated. I grew up with a mother that prized my appearance, to me it felt that was the only thing she liked about me. Saying things like “someone ate like their father this summer” – a heavy set man, growing up to look like my father (which I very much ended up doing) would be such a shame. A shame to be large...

As I write this blog post I am 33 years old. Young, but old enough to have really lived and deeply felt. In my 33 years I have been numb, heartbroken, lost....I have experienced great joy, love, and warmth. Every emotion on the spectrum that we get to feel in this life, from devastating, to elated and everything in between. And I am grateful to say that beside me, navigating everything life has given me, good and bad, have been my girlfriends....

This blog is new to me so I am not in the habit of writing everyday, but that is my goal. To put something out there, into the world that hopefully someone connects with. I want to show myself that I have something creative and relevant to share, even if I am just sharing with myself. But while this is still new to me I need to remember to be flexible, I may not find a consistent rhythm right away...and I may never be able to spell rhythm without spellcheck...

Slowing your pace can mean so many things, but I am talking about slowing the pace at which you walk. There are two gifts I want to talk about… the gift it can be for someone to slow their pace to match yours, and the gift that slowing your pace gives to yourself. My health has declined in the last few years and I am in pretty poor physical shape. One of the issues I have been facing is...

This is my first week back at work after vacation with my family. We are spoiled in that my dad and stepmom live in a really beautiful locale, and so we can afford to go away for 10 whole days! Ten whole days of beaches and going to the market, enjoying good food and good wine with family and friends. While I was there...

This blog is a leap of faith for me, something completely out of my comfort zone and not at all in the realm of what I do for a living. About 11 years ago, I was staying at home with my eldest daughter on maternity leave and thinking about what I should do for a career. The only job experience I had was as a waitress and I had never gone to college. Luckily there was an option to take a degree in accounting locally...