In my experience going through trauma can knock you into this place where you are constantly preparing for the worst, and at the same time just going through the motions to get through your day. I experienced situations early in my life that created a thick outer layer of cautiousness and trepidation. And I still carry this, as I think a lot of us do. For many years it manifested as eagerness to please, keep things calm, make myself uncomfortable, freeze myself so the water stayed still.
But there are currents underneath. The people pleasing was only one part. I also avoid being too in the moment. And living like that isn't sustainable. Honestly, I wasn't aware to the extent that I operate that way until very recently. It is sort of an arrested development, trying to just get through things. Is hard to be present and enjoy the journey when you function at that frequency. I think my long-term degree has been a great distraction from dealing with this.
But here's the thing.... self evolution and growth is necessary. Sometimes it takes longer than we want it to, but if we are willing to work we can get there. I am safe. I am grateful to be living a good life. And I won't drown if I make some waves. So, I want to challenge myself to immerse fully in the process - cooking the dinner, taking the dog for a walk, putting on my makeup in the morning. Things I normally rush through to just get them done.....so much of my life is lived this way.
It is time to move from surviving to thriving.
I hope you are thriving too:)
-Amanda
