Complicated Family

My maternal grandfather died yesterday; we weren't close. In fact, the last time we spoke I left the call emotionally drained and asking myself why I had reached out. I think there is a conversation to be had about what it is like going through the loss of a family member whose memory you don't cherish. And whose death brings up a lot of painful emotions from your upbringing.

I'm not ready to dive into all the complicated and painful history of my relationship to my mother's parents. Or to my mother. But I will say that their presence in my life has rarely been positive. The last time we spoke was because I called him after another family member guilted me into it. The majority of the phone call was about how no one reaches out to him. Reflecting back on the call now, I don't believe he even asked about my life. A general comment on how my family was handling the covid pandemic turned his focus to how he had only met one of my daughters. I talked with my husband after the call about why I reached out when I know it depletes me.

Many people have had a hard time relating to my estrangement from my mother and to a lessor extent, her parents. It used to feel like that reaction was an endorsement of their behavior or even an accusation towards me....what kind of daughter or granddaughter doesn't have those people in her life? The truth is...someone who has been deeply hurt by those members of her family. Someone who has worked hard in therapy to heal from that hurt. Someone who has made it her highest priority in life to do better. And it took me a long time to realize that the incredulity people reacted with was nothing but a sign of how fortunate they were to have healthy, loving relationships with their families. That is a beautiful thing, it makes me happy that is the case for most people.

But last night and today I am struggling. Not because I will miss my grandfather. But because I feel guilty that I won't. I feel guilty for feeling relieved there likely won't be a service because of the pandemic. I feel guilty that I don't have the capacity to send condolences to my mother (to me that would truly feel like reaching out to an abusive ex husband. It took so much strength to leave and heal, I don't want contact).

The thought of contacting her gave me a panic attack last night. The thought of him dying alone makes me sad for him. The whole situation fills me with complex and visceral emotions. And yet, this is probably different than most people would expect to feel after the loss of their last living grandparent, which also makes me sad.

I think it is important to remember that not all grandparents are created equally. Not all family members have to be in your life. If someone causes you pain and doesn't add joy to your life, you don't have to continue that relationship. We only get one life on this Earth, and we should honor that by nourishing the relationships with people who love us and treat us right. No guilt for how that looks. No shame about maintaining boundaries.

This will be something I wit with your awhile, I know that. It was the same host of feelings when her mother passed away. But I am going to give myself permission to work through this in a way that doesn't compromise my mental and emotional health. I hope that you are doing what works best for you too.

-Amanda.