Fatphobia

Our bodies are the vehicle we inhabit for our entire lives. They get us to and from every place we wish to go and they allow us to laugh and express ourselves. They tell us when we need a break, they allow us to push ourselves too hard, they are vital to our lives and our way of life....and yet. So much of my time (and I know this is not unique to me) on this planet has been spent wishing my body was different.

I was born into a beautiful, healthy, able body. But did I see that? Sadly I did not. I grew up with a mother that was hyper-critical of the way I looked, in a society where a girl's value is contingent on her appearance.

My eating disorders started at age six. You read that right. The age my youngest daughter is now. My daughter who proudly walks around in the buff has no idea that body image is a thing. My older daughter who is twelve and rocks short shorts and mini dresses with confidence told me recently "some people are hard on themselves about their appearance." Not her though:) They don't have fatphobia - they wouldn't even know what that meant.

I'm ashamed to admit that I internalized all of those messages and have struggled with this my whole life. I was never small enough. 132 pounds and 5 foot 11? Not small enough. Size 2? Not small enough. Passing out due to not eating for days? Not small enough. The thing is, there never would have been a "small enough." It didn't exist.

My body has ballooned over the years and I have doubled my size. What has been really amazing to me is how the vast majority of people I know don't seem to see my size. They tell me I am beautiful and that they love my naturally curly hair or my youthful skin. I would say that most times people don't seem bothered by my weight at all. More than that, they don't seem to associate me with my size. They see the things they love about me, the same as I do with them.

But fatphobia is alive and well. The people that cringe when they realize I will be sitting next to them on the plane. The casual comments from the people that slip into every conversation how "they need to start doing something for their weight" and what diets they have heard of recently. I am not sure they know how transparent it is. Sometimes this is the only thing people have to talk to me about. As if my entire mission in life is to shrink my body and they hold the secret to me getting back in my skinny jeans.

Being big, any health issue I have comes back to my weight with certain people. My anemia, diabetes, fatigue, depression, etc. Could all be fixed if I lost some weight in some people's eyes. And the hard part is because people can lose weight, the implication is that it is my fault. Some people don't understand that weight is complicated and that being obese can have to do with many factors - emotional, physiological, hereditary. They conflate being big with being lazy. And that hurts the most.

I have poured myself into earning an education and building a career. I have made it my mission to be the best mom I could be and invest in myself and my counselling to work on the abuse I suffered as a child. And those are all accomplishments I am so proud of. My waist measurement shouldn't factor. But for some people it does. And what I said about the vast majority of people looking beyond my size is true.....so why do I care what these few people think?

Because I still believe it in myself. I still have that internalized fatphobia. I still have to do mental gymnastics sometimes when I encounter someone my size so that I am not projecting those same awful stereotypes onto them, and by extension myself. It is horrible. It is shameful. I don't like to admit this about myself. But it is true. I am still deprogramming that fatphobic upbringing. The fear of becoming fat consumed me my entire life and now that I am a big lady all of those awful things I was told creep in to corrode my self worth.

So how do I change this? How do we as a society get better at accepting people of all sizes and not making their body the focus of the conversation? I'm not sure. I know that for myself I center the conversations at home on what our bodies can do for us and what food can do for our bodies. If we eat carrots we get healthy vitamins and minerals....not the trim waistline. Both can be true but I want my girls to focus on the former.

Maybe that is the answer. Teach our kids better and absorb those messages as we do. Because we should be confident to take up space at any size. We should always be measured by the person we are not the number on the scale. I'm trying to really believe that about myself. A work in progress:)

Please try and be gentle and kind to yourself. You are more than your shell. You are the entire package. I'll be over here trying to do the same.

-Amanda