Growing up, I lived in a home with an emotionally abuse mother. It has taken me years to be able to put that in words, opting in the past for descriptions like "in an unstable home" or "where I witnessed domestic violence". but I believe there is a value in articulating that for what it was. Growing up this way caused a tremendous amount of pain that I am still unpacking to this day. I will be forever grateful for the support I received from family and friends (the family I truly believe we create for ourselves), and access to counselling. The combination of these kindnesses saved my life, I know this. This week as my daughters were preparing for back to school I was struck with so many emotions. I put them down in words with this poem:
Walking around in the snow with no coat,
No where to be, no where to go,
Something deep inside keeps me afloat,
Feelings, you, will never have to know
Late in the night, voices alarm me,
Frozen in place, this house is no home,
Clinging to something bigger than right now,
Moments, my loves, you will never have to know
Scared in the night, my safety seems fragile,
Alone in my room, feeling vulnerable,
I don't have the words, the agency, language,
This panic, you two, will never have to know
Deep in self hatred, my light is extinguished,
Bury my thoughts, pain deep down for now,
Lonely in a crowd, don't recognize myself,
Disorienting, you, will never have to know
Finally learning to unlearn all these messages,
Committing myself to internal growth,
Better late than never, but wasting no time,
Delays, my girls, you will never have to know
Would take every moment again, if I had to,
As long as I got to end up with you,
There is nothing I want more, in this whole world,
Than for you to never feel, what I want through
If this resonates with anyone reading this...I see you. You are so valuable, you are a bright light and you are so much more than your circumstances. Keep believing in yourself, and the good in people, believe in your own resilience. Love,
-Amanda
