Matters of the Heart

I was talking to someone close to me today about dating. I'm in my mid-30's and have been married 12 years so dating is not something I think about often. In fact, it is far enough in my rear view mirror that I can romanticize much of my experience. My advice to her was to view it as an exercise in learning about yourself, which I truly believe. We learn so much about ourselves from the people around us, sometimes we learn the most from the people who are in our lives only fleetingly.

Dating for me was age 18.5 to age 21. Two and a half years - I didn't date in high school and I have been with my husband ever since. There were aspects I enjoyed...I really loved (and still love) meeting new people. And I had some really interesting and spontaneous evenings. There are songs I may never have appreciated the way I do because of the people I met throughout those years. There are pieces of myself I may not have uncovered.

In those years I rode on a quad down our local ski hill and swam in a little cove off the river. I dove into a dugout full of rainbow trout and holed up in a winter cabin. I ate pasta and salmon dinners, I tried bruschetta with balsamic vinegar for the first time. I cried when my feelings weren't returned with the intensity I hoped, even harder when they weren't returned at all. I listened to terrible music on repeat and chain smoked cigarettes to get past what felt at the time like a crippling rejection.

Some of the times I look back on most fondly were the dates I had with friends. I walked and laughed through a forested park taking pictures with a male friend, we saw deer and moose, we grabbed specialty coffee after hours from the shop I worked at. We walked around the entire night and though I don't know where it is, the picture he took of me when I wasn't looking - my profile....smiling as I took a picture myself - is still one of my favorites ever taken of me.

There is something to the saying "youth is lost on the young." I remember being in it and feeling like time was speeding up and I needed an answer to all of my questions big and small. The older I get the more I realize that is a fallacy. Things unfold as they do and you react based on your experiences. Stock up on those. The good ones and the not so good ones. Protect yourself and your heart but leave it open enough that you let people in. Not every person you meet will be a keeper. Not every experience will be one you want to recall.

However, the more you invest in getting to know yourself and what makes you happy, the more prepared you will be for a love that lights up your winter nights. The kind of love that makes you look ahead and even better, keeps you present. A love where they see you fully and appreciate you without condition. The kind you don't have to change yourself for, but that pushes you to grow and evolve. A safe and trusting love. The way into that type of love is through your own self love. I know this because my relationship gets better each year as I work on accepting and loving who I am.

Though when you are in the thick of it these can feel like empty words. I remember feeling discarded. Feeling like I was foolish for reading more into interactions with people I liked and reading nothing into interactions with people that liked me. It was hard not to feel like I was wasting my time and energy.

So if you are in the midst of the dating season of life, and looking for a pearl of wisdom from an older gal who has been where you are...be gentle with yourself. Really dial in to what you want and what makes you feel good. Learn as much as you can about yourself, learn to really love who you are, because trust me you will have to do the work either way and this way you will come into your relationship with a sense of your own value and worth.

You are radiant. Hold out for someone that celebrates every piece of you:)

-Amanda