Wins

Monday I have an appointment booked with a psychologist who deals with childhood trauma and eating disorders. I am sort of nervous, because I don't know what to expect for the session. The first one was sort of a "tell me your story" scenario. Counselling/therapy isn't new to me. I have gone (sometimes every week, sometimes once a year) since I was 24. And it feels good, it is like going to the gym for my mind. I feel lighter when I leave. It feels healthy. I have done a lot of work on the issues spawning from my mother and upbringing, the issues I have had over the course of my (at this point 13 years) relationship with my husband (including in-law relationships, financial issues, etc.) and I have worked on situational things like taking my sister in and becoming her legal guardian, dealing with confidence issues both personal and professional, etc. What I haven't done much work around has been my disordered eating and specific traumas I have gone through and still carry with me...like a heavy backpack I can't take off.

I was assigned some homework ahead of the session. Blog about my wins. My blog came up in session 1 because I mentioned that it feels therapeutic to write my thoughts out and they suggested I write about my successes. This is hard. I already know this is hard because I had to write a paper about myself in personality psych for college and it is significantly easier for me to talk about my negative qualities. I could tell you all about my tendency to worry and overthink/over-analyze everything. My self doubt. My survivor guilt. The way I feel so unworthy of the love I have in my life most days.

But that isn't the point. The point is to build myself up. To remind myself of who I am and how I got here. So I am going to do that, uncomfortable as it may feel. Starting with the wins in my immediate family. Baby steps. Maybe tomorrow I will talk about work?

-I am an amazing mom. I know this. I am not good at many parts of being a mother...I worry way too much, am a helicopter a lot of the time, and am way too mushy. But man do my kids know they are loved. People often tell me that I am a great mom and that my kids are great kids and I believe this. It has never been lost of me what a privilege it is to be their mom. And I learn from them all the time. In my life, breaking the cycle of abuse and thriving as a mom will always be my biggest accomplishment. Those girls mean everything to me. And they know it. I love them for exactly who they are, and because of their uniqueness, and they know that too. We give them a safe and loving home, and I am a part of a healthy family. That is massive.

-My husband and I have been through a lot, and we are still standing! Please don't take this in anyway that I think people should stay married and "work it out," divorce is a wonderful thing for many many couples, and I have been beyond inspired and proud of the strength of my friends and family that have made that choice. This was not something we wanted in our marriage and I am proud of the changes we have made. I won't pretend we have a perfect marriage, there are a lot of ways we both could do better, but I am proud of the progress we have made and I am hopeful for what is to come.

Though this doesn't feel easy, I think it is important. Not just for me and my therapy, but for people in general to talk about themselves in a loving and positive way. Even within those two points I see myself qualifying these wins by saying things like "we both could do better" or "I am not good at many parts" and one day I hope I can change that. This is where I am starting though, One day at a time.

Here's to you celebrating your wins!

-Amanda