Gaslighting

Been debating whether or not to write this one. Ultimately, I think that I have to because the point is to be vulnerable and hope to reach somebody and help them feel less alone. So far I haven't shared my blog with many, but I know one day I will and my goal is that someone will feel heard and seen. I know my stories are not unique...people have experienced all I have experienced in one way or another. This post is about emotional abuse. Please know that now, because I don't want it to trigger anyone.

Not long ago my husband asked me to help him understand more fully how I was abused by my mother growing up. Some examples were easy...the obsession and criticism about my body and weight, the language she used around my father (he doesn't love you, he'll just wait till he can have an easy relationship with you as an adult, he has a new family), cutting off the long distance calling option (he lived out of province). I could often point to really specific incidents that were particularly problematic, but it was so much more than that and I couldn't really articulate what I went through.

That is the thing about emotional abusers. They can be so consistent and subtle that it is hard to comprehend what is happening until years later.

Recently I watched a show about a family whose story mirrored mine in so many ways it was impossible to look away. Like a train wreck that you were on, playing back in slow motion. It clicked for me. I was gaslit.

She used to do this thing, she would say or do something awful. That behavior would prompt a response, maybe from me or from my siblings or my father, or her boyfriend - her use of this tactic was widespread and ubiquitous. Your reaction would in turn bring out "the calm voice" - a complete change in her demeanor and tone of voice where she would turn the situation around on you and say things like "when you have calmed down we can discuss this, you sound a little angry, let's have a chat once you've relaxed." It was a patronizing tone and it never failed to infuriate the person even farther...but once someone is coming at you with this tone and dismissal of your feelings, it makes you question your reaction, your role in the scenario, yourself....and that is the goal.

To undermine the person's feelings, and make them feel that this is their fault.

This situation was so prevalent in my childhood that I can physically feel the tone of voice, the vernacular she used, the feelings that ultimately came from the exchange.

It is painful and over time it makes you doubt yourself and your perception. It is a dangerous form of emotional abuse. It also lets the abuser off the hook...as my therapist told me recently, the gaslighting was a second layer of abuse - the behavior that prompted the reaction was actually the first abuse. She was deliberate and manipulative.

This is almost 13 years out of my relationship with my mother and I am still processing and uncovering pieces of my story. It takes a lot of courage to look backwards and remember these things.

I share this because I know there are many people out there struggling at the hands of an abuser, and if it is subtle and constant, it is hard to really put it into words. On top of that, if you are being groomed to doubt yourself, you question how bad it really is.

If this situation sounds familiar, I'm so sorry for what you are going through or have gone through. Please know that this behavior is not your fault and that it is okay to tell someone you feel safe with and trust. Don't doubt yourself.

-Amanda