What does it mean to believe in yourself? What does self confidence look like? How do we doubt ourselves less? I wish I had an answer to these questions. Younger versions of myself definitely thought that I would have this all figured out by now. But I don't. Self doubt is a pervasive theme in my life and is something I know I need to work on. It isn't as simple as "faking it to make it," at least, it isn't for me. A few years ago one of my favorite people called me and asked me to join her in Ireland for a two week holiday. She had never been, I had never been, we could go together. And we did it! We rented a car and we drove the entire country (or at least almost every county). We drove down a cliff-side to park on a beach and run into the ice cold Atlantic ocean. We drove through tree tunnels and hedge mazes and we gave the right of way to a horse. We navigated all sorts of winding roads and traffic circles - sometimes with traffic lights and seemingly endless lanes. Both of us mothers, this was more self indulgent than we had ever been and it felt so fantastic (girls trips, no matter where to, are so good for the soul). But I was struck by her fearlessness....she just did it. She just decided she wanted to go somewhere and that she could figure out how to drive on the other side of the road and the other side of the car in a strange place for the first time. I was in awe. And I wondered....would I have that confidence on my own? This might seem to you reading it like a small thing, and if it does I applaud your confidence as well! Truthfully, when I was younger I had a confidence in my ability to just figure things out too. I lived in greater Vancouver for some time and I just had a zest for experience. The sky-train took me all over the metropolis and I felt so free. Somewhere along the way I have lost that, and I want to get it back. The value of believing in ourselves is not to be underestimated. Perhaps I am in need of a solo adventure to reconnect with me and remind myself that I don't have to be so self-doubting. That maybe I am more capable than I give myself credit. That I've got this.
-Amanda
