The appointment with the psychologist went well. I feel like we have a plan to deal with my traumas.... but it isn't going to be painless. I see her again in one month's time. And I have homework. I am to find a beautiful book to write about my life from birth forward. What I needed, what I deserved, who was there for me along the way, showing me I had worth. She said it so beautifully..."you may not have a concrete foundation to build yourself, but you can put together a mosaic of moments that add up to something solid." That felt really poetic to me. And I am actually excited to do this work. Because I love reflecting on kindness. I love appreciating people. And I have been so lucky. My life has been filled with people cheering me on, even the smaller moments have always stuck with me. As I told the psychologist...even a small positive comment can always carry me through. Realizing as I type this that maybe part of my positive outlook and tendency to believe the best in people comes from my awareness of those moments all my life.
It isn't easy thinking about the ways we were neglected, abused or mistreated, and it is so painful thinking about where our pain comes from. I cried through my entire appointment...it is amazing how raw it feels in that room. And I also have cried just driving, thinking about that conversation since. But reliving these moments will mean reliving all of the people in my life that sent me messages that I was cared about, thought of, worthy. And there were/are so many people that fit that description. Moments of kindness carried me through the darkest times in my life. Those moments have informed my outlook on the world.
If you are reading this, I want to pay even a small bit of this kindness forward by telling you that you are somebody worthy of love, you are more than the hard choices you have made, you are not defined by your past. You are a human that deserves to take up space, be loved, laugh so hard you cry. You deserve to look in the mirror and feel proud of the person looking back at you. Forgive yourself for the things you aren't proud of. Celebrate the parts of you that make you feel good. Tell someone they matter to you. It can really make a difference.
-Amanda
