Procrastination and anxiety

When I was younger I just got things done. From the time I was 15 I always had a part time job and my high school course load. I moved out about a week after I turned 17 and I supported myself through graduation, paying my half the rent and utilities, figuring out my way to work and school and home. Work ethic has never been a problem of mine. I have always prided myself on being good at what I do, and worked hard to be efficient. That skill set came in handy in the service industry, and has come in handy now that my time is billed to the 6 minute increment. The work ethic side of me has never changed. What has changed is my ability, or perhaps willingness to balance as many things and do them all well.

My university career has been online and balanced with being a mother and a full time employee. But I, for many years tried to give 100% of myself to all of those things. I wanted to be the best, most attentive and involved mother and wife, the strongest accounting tech I could possibly be, never receiving a grade lower than an A/B and somehow being put together, social, domesticated, with a clean car and impeccable posture. You may have guessed...this is not me. And it took me a long time to realize that. Some of those things are me. I am an involved and attentive mother. I am always striving to be the best I can be at my job. However, I could invest more time in my marriage, I could definitely have a cleaner car, I have received a C+ grade in a course, and I would say my posture is what you would expect from someone at an office job.

But there has been a lot of anxiety coming not only to this realization, but the fact that it is okay. It is okay not to have these ridiculous standards as the yardstick I measure myself against. It is okay to get a lower grade because I have only so much to give and school is not in my top 2 or 3 priorities on any given day. I can be both very grateful for the chance to go to school and very exhausted by it.

The days that I don't feel okay about it I tend to procrastinate. I have so many things to do and it overwhelms me...perhaps that is the reason for this post today. Should I be cleaning my bathrooms? Should I be finishing the last of my father in laws books I have downstairs? Should I be working on my course? Should I, should I, should I....

It isn't easy and I admittedly don't always balance it well. I used to think i did, but I neglected myself, rarely saw my friends, and felt overwhelmed all the time. The one semester I went down to part time hours at work, I took 6 courses...and I pulled off 4 A-, an A+ and a B. That is ridiculous when you consider I worked 20-25 hours a week, was a mother of a 1.5 and 7.5 year old, we took our eldest to Disneyland in that time, I switched jobs during midterms week, we started marriage counselling that November, and just normal life on top of that. It is sad to me that I put all that pressure on myself. And for what? No one but the CPA has asked for my transcripts, and they would have been fine with a C+ in the prerequisites and a D in the others.

Part of the pressure is probably societal - we are in a time when women feel they have to manage a lot of hats and exceed at them all. We are in an age of comparison where people have access to a curated version of everyone's life, where people are always on vacation and their houses and outfits are always on point. Part of it is also internal. I have deep insecurities and sometimes those grades are validation that I am smart or worthy of my accomplishments. If I am the best I can be then I feel a little less guilty about where I am at, a little less like an imposter.

The only thing I know for certain is that these feelings aren't unique to me and it isn't fair for us to feel like we are always coming up short. It also is a terrible feeling to procrastinate and feel anxious and overwhelmed. I think the key is letting go of some of the responsibilities we take on. Saying no can be incredibly empowering. And I also think striking a balance between what we do for ourselves and what we do for others is ideal.

So in that spirit, I am going to post this blog and enjoy a decaf green tea to myself. And then I am going to go downstairs and do an hour of bookkeeping. I don't know if that is what balance is, but that is what I am choosing for today.

Hopefully you are enjoying a Sunday without guilt and the pressure of doing it all.

-Amanda